The Best of Carrot.
by ContraBardus
Summary: A collection of short stories, or Spamfics from Carrot Glace.


  
Carrot Glace's Shorts collection!!  
  
A collection of my spamfics. Mostly Ranma 1/2 with A DBZ thrown in for good measure...  
  
  
I don't know about you, but I'm in the mood for some spamfics. Mmmm, spamfics...  
  
  
  
This is my first Spamfic. I just had to write this down....  
About Nose bleeds and such...  
  
Ranma and Ryoga sit together by a tree after a particularly eventful day involving Happosai, a girl's locker room, a half-dressed Akane, and P-chan.  
  
Ran: Jeez again? You got some kind of condition or something?  
  
Ryo: [holding his head back and pinching his nose.] Shut up! This is all your fault ya know!  
  
Ran: It is not! Here, it's great for nosebleeds. God that's disgusting, how can you squirt so far? [Ranma hands Ryoga a small white object. Ryoga accepts it and stuffs it up his nose.]  
  
Ryo: Thanks. This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't...  
  
Ran: You ungrateful jerk! If you hadn't passed out at the slightest hint of flesh we wouldn't be all beat up!  
  
Ryo: You mean -you- wouldn't be all beat up Ranma.  
  
Ran: Aw, stuff it. But really, you get nosebleeds way too easy. Maybe you should go see Dr. Tofu or somethin.  
  
Ryo: Will you lay off already. I already went to the doctor about this it's nothing OK?! I'm just sensitive.  
  
Ran: All right jeez bite my head off why don't ya?  
  
[The pair sits in the shade for a moment quietly.]  
  
Ryo: Hey Ranma, Why do I feel like running on the beach?  
  
Ran: Huh? Oh that...its nothing...  
  
Ryo: No dammit! You know why! Tell me why I just got an urge to go horseback riding?!  
  
Ran: You don't want to know.  
  
[Ryoga looks strangely and pulls the 'tissue' from his nose.]  
  
Ryo: What the hell is this?!  
  
Ran: Nothing.  
  
Ryo: Damn it Ranma!  
  
Ran: OK, OK! Jeez It's a .......[Mutters something intelligible.]  
  
Ryo: What?  
  
Ran: It's a tampon OK!?  
  
Ryoga looks at him dumbly and then at the object in his hand.  
  
Ryo: AAAAAGGHHH! [Drops the Tampon and scurries away from it.]  
  
Ran: Oh, you baby, It's not like it was used.  
  
Ryo: Why do you have one of those?!!  
  
[Ranma just gives Ryoga a look.]  
  
Ryo: That is disgusting!  
  
Ran: Why do you think it's called a curse Ryoga? Do I really have to explain this to you?  
  
Ryo: NO!!! I don't ever want to hear about this! I'm sorry I know now!  
  
Ran: Whatever. This from a guy who sleeps in a girls bed.  
  
Ryo: This is completely different Ranma. That shouldn't happen to a boy!!  
  
Ran: You're tellin me?  
  
Ryo: Ranma I'm leaving now. We never had this conversation OK?  
  
Ran: Yeah sure, see ya around.  
  
[Ryoga walks off leaving Ranma by the tree. After a moment Ranma wanders off as well.]  
Ran: I hope she isn't still mad at me....  
  
Da end.  
  
That was just sick. But I enjoyed doing it. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!  
  
  
  
  
Who's dream is it anyway?  
  
[Inspired by the fic 'Whose dream is it?' I lost the original so I don't know who wrote it or I'd give them credit. It involves Kasumi from pokemon dreaming about living life as Kasumi... or also the other way around. The point is we aren't sure which world is the real one.]  
  
A spamfic, by Carrotglace.  
  
Kasumi walked along the road with Satoshi and Takeshi at her side. "Are we there yet?" she whined pathetically.   
  
Takeshi looked back at her and growled under his breath, he was holding his arm up and moving it from side to side with his hand balled up in a loose fist. "Now keep quiet back there."  
  
Satoshi looked at him pathetically. "But I have to go to the bathroom!"  
  
"Do I have to turn this..." started Takeshi, but he was interrupted by a strange voice with a British accent.   
  
"Now you have to travel as a group of over excited dogs, with Kasumi playing the roll of alley cat."  
  
Both of the boys looked at her and Kasumi screeched excitedly as she bolted down the road yowling loudly. Takeshi and Satoshi gave chase stopping occasionally to sniff each other's butts or any other large object that happened to cross their path. Ash lifted his leg against a tree, while Takeshi ran around in circles with his tongue hanging out of his mouth.  
  
That evening Kasumi lay down under the stars and sighed heavily. "That was a pretty exhausting day. G'night Satoshi, g'night Takeshi."  
  
  
Kasumi Tendo smiled as she stood on the front porch with her broom sweeping cheerfully. On the side of the house Ranma and Genma fought in their morning sparing match while Akane watched from the table. She waved politely as one of the neighbors walked by in a morning jog.  
  
A large gaijin wearing thick rimmed glasses satting behind a desk suddenly appeared in the yard holding a stack of index cards. "Okay, Kasumi, you are now the barbarian defender of the house. Ranma and Genma, are both drunk, and Akane is Mother Superior, and this is her convent. She sees the rest of you as unruly nuns in her order."  
  
Kasumi blinked and looked at him oddly for a moment. "Oh my." She shrugged her shoulders and took the broom up in her hands wielding it like a broad sword. She grunted and charged Genma and Ranma.  
  
The two men fell over on top of each other and struggled back to their feet. "H-hey popsss, whozat?" slurred Ranma with a strange smile on his face.   
  
"I donno, less ask 'em," replied Genma as he leaned on his son.  
  
"Hey who the he-" Ranma was cut off as Kasumi's broom hit him on his head.  
  
The girl gave a satisfied grunt as he fell to the ground. Genma looked at her and blinked as he staggered to keep his balance. "Hey, you can't do-" another swipe from the broom of death cut him off.  
  
Akane appeared behind Kasumi and grabbed her by the ear. "What have I told you about smiting the other sisters?" She brought the older girl over to the table and pointed at the tabletop.  
  
Kasumi hung her head shamefully and sighed. "Me sorry," she obediently placed her hands across the surface as Akane produced a ruler.  
  
"Remember that God loves you sister Kasumi," she said as she raised the ruler over her head in preparation to strike.  
  
The man stopped laughing and spoke to them again at this point. "Akane, you are an exotic dancer, and Kasumi is your best customer. Since Ranma and Genma are knocked out, Soun Tendo will be playing the roll of homosexual bartender who is giving running commentary."  
  
"Excuse me?" said the man as he emerged from the back of the house with a shocked expression on his face as his youngest daughter began to slowly remove her clothes to a leering and crudely shouting Kasumi.  
  
Well, that's enough of that...  
  
  
A really strange idea came to me today...  
  
Soun Tendo sat with his daughters at the table.  
  
"What?" said Nabiki coolly as she glared at her father.  
  
"Oh my, I hope he's older," commented Kasumi in a worried tone.  
  
"Interesting," said Akane raising her eyebrows slightly.  
  
Soun looked at her uncomfortably and continued. "He's the son of a very good friend of mine, if one of you girls were to marry him then the Tendo family legacy would be secure."  
  
"Don't worry about that daddy! I've already got it covered," said Akane calmly.  
  
"Ahem, yes. Well, the agreement has already been made Akane..." said the man deliberately saying her name.  
  
She looked at him for a moment and raised her eyebrow slightly. "Er, Akane-chan." The girl relaxed as did her family after he corrected himself.  
  
"Oh well, we'll see when he gets here," said the girl lazily, her watch beeped and she looked at it quizzically. "How strange."  
  
A commotion started in the hallway and the Tendos all stood up looking expectantly towards the doorway. "Saotome my old friend, I've been waiting!" cried Soun cheerfully as he rushed to meet his friend followed by his daughters.  
  
A few moments later Soun, Nabiki, and Kasumi rushed by the youngest girl and she merely turned and looked at the visitors. A large panda carrying a young girl over his shoulder; a girl that looked to be around twelve years old met them. "Hi, nice to meet you! You can call me Akane-chan!" she greeted cheerily.  
  
The animal and the girl stopped and looked at her in confusion for a moment before walking with her towards the living room.  
  
"You must be daddy's friends!" she said as he put the girl down in front of the family. The Tendo patriarch shook his head violently from side to side, he looked closer at the girl and frowned.   
  
"You wouldn't be..."  
  
"I'm Ranma Saotome, sorry about this," replied the girl sheepishly. Nabiki leaned in and smiled broadly. "Ooh! He is cute!" Akane frowned at this and looked the girl up and down, "Are you idiots blind?" she thought to herself. Still, something was definitely wrong with this girl with the readings she had gotten from her. The animal was the same way.  
  
Nabiki felt the girl up and frowned at her father. "Ranma's not a boy! She's a girl!"  
  
The elder Tendo almost passed out, until he remembered what happened the last time he had done so in Akane's presence. He quickly recovered and stared down at the girl. "Where is Saotome?"  
  
He's around," muttered the girl as she looked away in embarrassment.  
  
"So, you're name is Ranma? Tell me what's wrong with you," said Akane as she poked at the girl with some sort of strange device.  
  
"Nothin!" said the girl defensively as she backed behind the panda.  
  
"Suit yourself," replied the dark haired girl with a shrug as she turned away.  
  
A few minutes later Ranma found herself pushed into the bathroom by the eldest girl. She gave the door a sour look as she turned towards the furo and began to disrobe. "What is with this family anyway?"  
  
After a quick scrubbing she lowered herself into the furo and felt the change overtake her. Now a boy again Ranma started to relax a bit more. "What do I do now? Should I go back out like I am?" he shifted around and thought to himself lazily. "Wow, this bathroom sure is big," he noted the pool like hot water furo that almost reminded him of a spring, large plants adorned the walls and sides of the extremely large room. He stood from the water and started to step out when the door flew open revealing a naked and surprised Akane.  
Ranma froze in terror as the girl looked him up and down before getting a strange looking grin on her face.   
  
"Well, this is certainly interesting," she commented before calmly turning around and walking out the door. Akane dumped an armload of strange looking tools, many with sharp edges on them, from under her towel as she walked out of the changing room with her dogi on. "And here I was hoping to get some..." she was cut off as Kasumi walked up to her.   
  
"Is something wrong Akane? I thought you were going to take a bath with Ranma?" said the girl sweetly as a large amount of sweat formed on her head.  
  
"Don't worry about it, I'll do it later," she replied before walking away.  
Secretly Kasumi was relieved, the last thing Ranma needed in a new place was the things Akane was obviously planning on doing to her in there. Quickly she removed the tools and placed them in a small bin by the door before walking away quietly.  
  
The Tendo girls sat around the table watching the two strange men sitting in front of them. "So, Akane...you'll accept the engagement?" said the other three Tendos in shock.  
  
"But...she's so...young," said Genma in a worried tone.  
  
"Hey! I'm sixteen years old!" cried the girl angrily. Ranma and Genma's jaws dropped like they had led weights in them.  
  
"Akane's just...a late bloomer," said Kasumi nervously as she set a small meal down on the table. It was blue star shaped crusts with what looked like small hairs growing out from them.  
  
"Tendo, what is this stuff?" asked Genma nervously.  
  
Kasumi overheard the conversation and smiled. "Plutarian Snail paste, it's quite good. Akane showed me how to make it!"  
  
Ranma glanced around the home nervously and noticed a few things that were unusual. Namely most any electric appliance had some sort of strange add on or home built look to it.  
  
"Gee Ranma, I'm so excited about this!" cried Akane cheerfully. "I need a   
guine...err Fiancée."  
  
The boy shrunk back nervously and hid behind his father. "So tell me Saotome, how did this curse befall you?" asked Soun in an attempt to change the conversation.  
  
"Oh, perhaps I should start with this!" he tossed his son over his shoulder and frowned when a young girl came up from the waters of the Koi in the back yard.  
  
"Perhaps she shouldn't..." started Kasumi when a huge fish head jumped out and snapped at the young girl. She got away barely in time and huffed as she stared at the pool in terror.  
  
"Oh don't worry about it, they would have spit her out anyway," said Akane cheerfully as she waved her hand. The head came up and hacked up a Bokuten causing everyone to turn away and pretend nothing had happened.  
  
"So, hot water turns you back into a man?" asked Soun once again trying to change the subject.  
  
"Yes, that's right," said Genma nervously.  
  
"Why didn't you just tell me you where cursed? I can take care of that!" cried Akane triumphantly.  
  
Ranma looked up at her in shock. "Really?"  
  
"Sure, I've just got to do a few test first and I'm sure I can cure you, well reasonably sure anyway," she flexed her arm and smiled at the two men who simply gaped in shock. "After all, I am the greatest scientific genius in the universe!"   
  
Two small Akane puppets appeared on her shoulders cheering for her. "Akane you're the greatest!" cried one of them.  
  
"Akane you're the best!" agreed the other one.  
  
"Akane, Akane, Akane! Hooraayyy!!" chimed the two in perfect unison.  
  
Ranma stared at the scene in stunned and perverse fear. "I uuhh..."  
  
"All we have to do now is get some samples!" squealed the girl excitedly as she pulled out a foot long syringe and started towards the boy. Ranma did the most sensible thing, he ran.  
  
The end.  
  
No, I will not continue this, no matter how you beg.  
  
  
  
  
  
The Fanfic.  
  
A SI shortfic by Carrot Glace.  
  
Carrot lit a cigarette as he sat lazily in his car waiting for his friend to come out of the store, a few moments later Dan appeared with an arm load of beer and various other impurities meant to be consumed by the both of them in an evening of anime watching. He started his car and smiled as the thunder rolled in the distance.  
  
"Hey, let's drive around in dangerous conditions," said Dan casually as he lit his own cigarette and pulled the Katana he had hanging off the gun rack in the back window of the 1979 Pinto.  
  
"Yeah, maybe our car will be struck by lightening and explode, sending us into an adventure when we get sent to a magical anime world with super powered martial arts abilities implanted into our bodies by unexplained means." Carrot started the car and drove off into the storm. He casually flicked his cigarette butt out the window.   
  
Unbeknownst to him, [but knownst to us.] a small trail of flames started that lead to the gas pumps causing them to explode in a great ball of fire. The car was caught in the blast and pieces were sent in every direction, but strangely no bodies were ever found from the wreckage.  
  
  
  
"Wow! That was even cooler than the time we used a blender to transport ourselves to Bubble Gum Crisis!" exclaimed Dan as he dusted himself off. Except he didn't look like himself any more. He was a grossly muscular man in shadow black armor, he was also about six-three and weighed about three hundred pounds. "Come on, I haven't seduced Shampoo since the last time we did this."  
  
"That was last week," reminded Carrot calmly as he stood up from his own spot. "Besides, it's my turn to seduce Shampoo, you can have Akane this time."  
  
"Aww, man. She's to rough, how about Ukyo?" whined the boy pathetically.  
  
"Suit yourself," said Carrot with a shrug. He was also much more muscular; he was wearing a Ryoga style-traveling outfit and had light green hair now.  
  
"Which way is the Tendo Dojo from here anyway?" asked Dan as he searched around to get his bearings.  
  
"I think it's this way, we can fly there if you want," Dan looked at Carrot's clothes and grabbed his arm pulling him in the other direction.  
  
"I wanna outsmart Nabiki this time, you always do it!" said the boy as he looked down at Carrot with a small frown.  
  
"Fine, be that way, as long as I get to beat up Ranma this time!" said Carrot calmly.  
  
"I thought we weren't going to fix everyone's problems this time, you know, just be your average Ranma character who isn't really better than everyone else. That's all the rage now," Replied the hulking boy as he slung Carrot over his shoulder and started walking.  
  
"I'm tired of taking it like a puss, I wanna beat the crap out of everyone for once!" the boy frowned and slapped his friend on the back. "Put me down, I ain't crippled!"  
  
  
  
The pair continued walking through Nerima and Dan stopped in mid stride. "Hey, if this takes a while where are we going to stay?"  
  
"The Tendo dojo of course, we'll just come up with some flimsy sob story and they'll let us stay with them. You know that. 'Oh, Ranma stole my honor', or 'Akane hit me!' We could even go with 'I'm weak alone and lost with no where to stay! Please take pity on me!' If nothing else Akane will probably offer to let us stay."  
  
"Yeah, I knew that," said Dan with a small frown.  
  
"Aren't you supposed to be a super powered ninja or something?" asked Carrot.  
  
"Yeah, pretty cool huh?"  
  
"Not really, stop sulking and try to look intimidating! How else are we supposed to make Cologne afraid of us?" Carrot slapped his companion on the back of his head and the ninja stood tall and crossed his arms as he walked down the middle of the street. Most of the residents ignored him though.  
  
"Where to start? Furinkan or The Dojo?" Dan looked back and fourth as they found the crossroad that would lead to either one.  
  
"Let's go to the Dojo, I've had enough school this year," commented Carrot.  
  
"We graduated three years ago Carrot," said Dan in confusion.  
  
"Yeah, I know."  
  
  
  
The pair walked up to the gates of the Tendo Dojo and looked at the sign. "Well, here we are, let's go!"  
  
"Hey!" cried an angry voice; the pair turned to see an overweight man dressed in a Chinese silk shirt glaring at them.  
  
"What is it?" asked Dan looking annoyed.  
  
"The line starts back there buddy!" the fat man pointed over his shoulder to reveal a long line of people that stretched all the way back to Dr. Tofu's clinic. Many of them were dressed in street clothes, but just as many were wearing everything from martial arts dogi's to spandex.  
  
"What the hell is this?" asked Carrot.  
  
"This is the line for Ranma 1/2 fanfiction!" snorted the man.  
  
"Oh," said the boy looking surprised.  
  
Nabiki appeared over the wall of the dojo and pulled out a megaphone. "Due to extreme demand we are forced to limit all of your stories down to five minute Spam fics today. Please be patient and have your entry fee ready when you reach the gate so we can get everyone through today."  
  
Dan and Carrot stared at the spectacle in a sort of dazed shock. "But today is my day off! I've got all day to write with! That'll leave me with hours of free time!"  
  
Nabiki looked at him and shrugged. "Sorry buddy."  
  
The pair looked at her and shrugged before walking away from the line towards the Ucchan. "Let's get something to eat and go some where else."  
  
They found the restaurant and found a line that was just as long, but another much shorter line for patrons. "Hey, fanfic authors are in that line!" cried an incredibly cute looking girl from inside the door.  
  
"Hey Konatsu, we aren't here to write, we just want to eat before we leave," said Carrot calmly.  
  
"The lines too much for you?" asked the ninja as she recognized him, but not so much as to remember his name. He was a regular there, but usually with the other group.  
  
"Yeah, we're off for greener pastures today, this one's about been trampled," sighed the boy.  
  
"I understand that sugar," said Ukyo with a sigh as she flipped an Okonomiyaki in front of the pair.  
  
"How about a Slayers fic?" asked Carrot as he looked towards his companion.  
  
"Sailor Moon has a few babes in it," offered Dan with a shrug. Slayers is cool, but it has a relatively low babe factor.  
  
"You're right about that one, but Sailor Moon is likely to be crowded too, maybe Magic Knight Rayearth?" said Carrot with a sigh.  
  
"Eww, dude, those chicks are like fourteen!" said Dan as he almost choked on his Okonomiyaki.  
  
"Sailor Moon isn't much better, or Ranma for that matter," rationalized the boy with a shrug.  
  
"True," sighed the boy as he agreed. "Hey, how about Bubble Gum Crisis, it'll be busy, but not too crowded!"]  
  
"Sounds good, we are there dude!" agreed Carrot happily. "It'll be nice to sleep with someone around our own age for once too."  
  
"Hey, I get mine!" retorted Dan angrily.  
  
"Yeah right, fan-boy," said Carrot with a small snort. "Let's go."  
  
The pair walked out of the Ucchan leaving enough money to cover the check and tip Konatsu. After that they dramatically vanished into the sunset.  
  
The End.  
  
Hee hee, that was naughty.   
  
  
  
  
  
Trying Martial arts techniques.  
  
Hello, I'm here to tell you about my personal martial arts training. I have been an obsessive Manga reader for some time now and some of those techniques seem to just make sense. I decided to try a couple from the series Ranma 1/2.  
For example...  
  
Katsutenshin amaguriken. [Sweet chestnuts roasting on an open fire.]  
  
This was the first technique I've tried. Simple right? I started with arguing weather or not it could be done with my martial arts sensei, who, curiously enough, requested that his name and the name of my school be omitted. It is a Kempo dojo in the Jacksonville area.  
After a few days of intensive punch drilling, just to get up to speed I decided that I could try. As I expected I burned my hands, but was not disheartened. I knew that not even Ranma had accomplished this technique on his first try. After a few days I began to realize that things were not going well. My hands were constantly sore and I had many blisters and large burn scars to bandage up for several weeks after.   
Finally I concluded that I had not trained enough, I would come back to this technique after a year or two. That is, when I was fast enough.  
  
So far, Me: 0 Common sense: 1  
  
Bakusai Tenketsu. [Breaking or Blasting point]  
  
This technique required the help of a friend. I found a willing participant who would swing me into a large rock from a tree. It was disturbingly easy to do, I didn't even have to convince him. After the first painful three tries I broke not only my finger but two ribs and an arm. Yet another technique that was sadly shelved for lack of further training. Eventually I had to settle for my friend punching me around for a few hours a day, until I can take it and try this one again.  
  
Score, Me: 0 Common sense: 2  
  
Hidden weapons techniques.  
  
Basically I went into the kitchen and stuffed every sharp object I could find into my clothes. I now know this is not wise, sharp things are not only uncomfortable but make a good deal of noise. They also tend to restrict your movement. Lets see you try to sit down with a set of steak knives in your shorts. Lesson learned from this? Don't ever stick a butcher knife down the front of your pants.  
  
Me: still 0 Common sense: 3  
  
I was getting disheartened by this time, after numerous hospital visits the insurance company was beginning to grow suspicious. I had to act fast and get a work related injury to disguise my work, or lay low and try some less dangerous stuff. I chose the second option, call me a wuss if you must but I think you would have too.  
  
Umbrella's, Throwing bandannas, and belt swords.  
  
I learned than no matter how hard you spin your wrist a bandanna will not spin faster than it will. I almost dislocated the joints with this one in frustrated attempts to get the bandannas to spin fast enough to fly and cut stuff. The belt was met with similar results, but I did manage to perfect my wet towel bathroom whip technique. I can send a fat kid scurrying across a locker room squealing like P-chan in a single shot.   
Lesson learned this time? Bamboo umbrellas are not only more durable in anime than in real life, but also a lot less expensive.  
  
Another failure Me: 0 Common sense: 4  
  
Hiryu Shouten Ha. [Flying Dragon ascension defeat]  
  
This one was not so easy. It's rather hard to stay calm after pissing off someone much larger than you and try to lead them into a circle. It's much more difficult than it looks. My personal soul of ice training was inadequate.[see Shi shi houkou dan] Chalk up another hospital visit and yet another failure.  
  
Me: 0 Common sense: 5  
  
Sekai saikiyou [Mark of the gods]  
  
Well this one was an interesting test. I attempted to draw a large stupid looking face on my stomach and then proceeded to pick a fight. Unfortunately that wasn't very hard, the guy was still angry over the Hiryu shouten ha incident. It's not my fault his sister was changing with her window open! I could barely make out her chest from the tree outside her window! Honest!  
  
Me: still 0 Common sense: 6  
  
Saotome despiration strikes: Rouga shyou hai tai [fox fist] and Moukou geki tai [tiger blow]  
  
The technique of distracting your opponent and hitting him while he isn't looking. These techniques work very well together. Especially when combined with the Saotome secret technique [See Saotome ryu ougi]   
  
Me: 1 at last! Common sense: 7  
  
Neko ken [Cat fist]  
  
This technique didn't go over very well, it was almost disastrous actually. I had managed to gather a large number of stray and neighborhood cats together and tossed them into a pit I dug in my back yard. Needless to say I didn't feed them. After jumping in with fish tied to me and having the animals all run away from me for several days I realized that I had to be much younger and smaller for the training to work.   
I abandoned the technique after I discovered that neighbors don't like having their pets kidnapped.   
Lesson learned this time?   
Animal cruelty fines are expensive, I would have gotten off easier robbing a bank or killing someone. It's possible even molesting a child would have gotten me less time and fines.  
  
Me: 1 Common sense: 8  
  
  
Saotome ryu ougi [Saotome final attack or desperation move.]  
The super secret technique of running away until you can think of something better to do. The only draw back is it requires you to come back and face your opponent when you do. I recommend distracting yourself with Sailor moon or some Shojo manga. It will completely rot your brain and prevent you from thinking at all. When you finally forget about what your supposed to be thinking of, your obligation ends.  
  
Me: 2 Common sense: 8  
  
Seme ken [Shark fist]  
  
No matter how many different ways you hit the water you cannot make it into the shape of a shark. I spent six months in a swimming pool with screaming kids and avoiding warm spots in the water for this.  
Lesson learned? Always swim in the winter.  
  
Me: 2 Common sense: 9  
  
Happo dai kairin [Happo fire burst]  
The most successful of all the techniques tried. It also almost got me arrested for blowing up the neighbor hood mailboxes. This is the most fun of all the techniques. The big scary guy is avoiding me now. [See Hiryu shouten ha.]   
HAPPO DAI KARIN! *BOOM!* BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
Gotta watch those fuses though, ouch.  
  
Me: 3 Common sense: 9   
  
Shi shi houkou dan [Roaring lion bullet]  
This one was difficult. I had to get depressed, I decided to use this for the 'Soul of ice' training for the Hiryu shouten ha attack as well. It went something like this...  
  
Unattractive girl: Wow I didn't think you'd ever ask -me- out.  
Me: Well, normally I wouldn't. I'm in training you see.  
UG: What do you mean?  
Me: Well, I have to get depressed. The fastest way I figure doing that is to let people see me going out with a cow like you and then suffer through the stale wit of my friends.  
UG: What did you call me!? You prick! [Insert loud slapping noise here.]  
Me: OK that ought to do it.  
  
As I suspected her friends and my friends made my life a living hell from that day on.   
My own friends by the harsh teasing and hers by the simple vengeful dirty looks ugly people give to people much more attractive than them. They wouldn't dare do anything more. Because then they might seem like mean ugly people and completely shatter any chances of getting a date.  
After a few days I was upset enough to try. [My friends were much crueler than I had anticipated.] Three guesses on what happened.   
  
Me: still 3 Common sense: 10  
  
Mouko Takabishi [Fierce dominating tiger]  
Since the Shi shi houkou dan didn't work I had to try for something new. I figure that since I'm so smug and overconfident...why the hell not? Moukou Takabishi was next.  
Unfortunately I was still down from all these failures and the cow date. It'll have to wait until I can remind myself how wonderful I am. It could take a few days cause I'm kind of a prima donna about things like that, but you tell me I said that and I'll kill you.  
  
Me: 3 Common sense: 11  
  
Kakutou deina [Martial arts gourmet eating] Ofurasosu family style.  
Can you say malnutrition? Good, neither can I. I didn't eat for two weeks over this, they had to revive me with a bag of vitamin supplement and an IV drip at the hospital. On the plus side I discovered I can touch the tip of my nose with my tongue, and I lost twenty pounds in just two weeks! I should use this as a diet plan and sell it to stupid fat people. Too bad Takahashi-samma owns the rights...  
  
Me: 3 Common sense: 12  
  
Happo go en satsu [Happo five yen money]  
Japanese Yen are pretty hard to come by in the states. So I just drilled a hole in some US currency and went to town. Unfortunately it didn't work very well. I couldn't drain anyone no matter how I tried and people were giving me funny looks for pointing money at them.   
I didn't even turn into some super buff dude either, it kinda sucked. Eventually I got kicked out of the club I had gone to test my theory by a bouncer named Tiny. He gave me his number though, I'm not sure if I should be flattered or frightened. Especially since he somehow got my name and phone number and won't stop calling.   
  
Me: 3 Common sense: 13  
  
Kakuto Sadou [The way of tea]  
  
This style didn't work out very well. Not only are traditional tea ceremony props hard to come across in the US, they are also expensive. I tried a few of the things with the little wooden spoon and bowel but somehow I couldn't make them into the deadly weapons they should have been. Besides, so you have any idea how hard it is to walk while sitting down? My ankles are still killing me. This one was abandoned rather quickly.  
  
Me: 3 Common sense: 14  
  
  
Pantsuto ryu sei kiyaku [Pantyhoes dragon power kick] and Hiryu korin dan [No translation available]  
Well, since I can't get a gigantic minotaur to spin me around by a pair of nylons or a half dragon man to shoot chi balls at me these are pretty much untested. I did try to hang from a pair of stockings though, they wouldn't hold my weight and ripped in half. I suppose it's for the best that I didn't try that one. Still it couldn't hurt that much if it didn't work.   
  
Final tally? Me: 3 Common sense: 15  
  
That about does it for this list. I know I didn't mention every little technique but you get the general idea.   
Happosai is my new hero and I hope when I get old that I can be a dirty old man too, just like him. At least I have something to shoot for and a retirement goal.   
  
  
  
  
  
Using original Japanese names: I.E. M. Bison = Vega  
  
Street Fighter 2  
  
The face of evil.  
  
Ryu stood before his opponent with his fists held up. The man stared him down with his cold dead eyes as he waited patiently. Desperation gripped his soul as he watched the figure stand firmly in place, never wavering, never moving, not even breathing as he awaited the battle.  
"What do you want with me?" he screamed as fear clenched his heart. "Who are you?"  
The man stayed motionless, but it could not be a man, no matter what his eyes told him the pure power alone was far too much for any man to hold. The thing's lips curled slightly in what could have been a smile, or just as easily a snarl. "I am power made flesh," was its only reply.  
Ryu felt the wind blow as the storm came, the tall grass blew against the wind while he stood unmoving, waiting.   
Without warning the monster in front of him placed its foot out and raised its fists.   
He felt the fear wash away only to be replaced by anticipation, the perfect battle had found him at last, not even Vega himself could withstand its sheer power.  
The battle began without words or warning. The creature vanished from his sight with impossible speed and slammed his fists into the back of his neck sending him to the ground, but his skills saved him as it attempted to crush him under his feet as he rolled away.  
Jumping to his feet he countered, slamming his fists into the monster's side receiving a gratifying grunt of pain as an elbow impacted in his face countering his maneuver. It was all he could do to remain conscious as he staggered back under the sheer force of the blow. The thing moved quickly to take advantage of the situation and Ryu blocked desperately, he managed to knock away a chop to his throat, a killing blow if it had landed. Without thinking he launched himself into the air spinning around as he repeatedly slammed his foot into the monster's face as he kicked.   
"Tatsumaki senpu kayaku!" With the attack finished he spun around only to find the creature charging again, he raised his hands to block only to receive his own attack back in his face; but it was more than that, twice as powerful and teeming with some strange energy.  
Ryu felt the beast in his heart roar with triumph as the two of them exchanged blows each more devastating and dangerous than the last. He knew he could not last against this force much longer, and strangely he felt no remorse, no regret for the battle. Only his skills could save him and they seemed far to small against the impossible odds he was facing.  
Tensing his face he growled, a feral sound from deep in his throat as he faced the thing again. He would not die this day; his warrior spirit would not allow it. Charging forward he rushed at the thing again, more intensely than ever before, harder and faster than he had even thought it possible.   
The beast was pushed back, no emotion or surprise registered on it's face as it submitted to the attack. Ryu planted his feet into the ground stopping his attack cold as he pushed his life force into his hands and screamed in defiance. "Shinku hadoken!" the massive wave of energy was more than he had ever felt in his life, feeding upon his desire for the perfect battle that he had at last found.  
The creature seemed to fade from existence and appeared in the air, a wave of energy from the things hands slammed into his chest sending him to the ground.  
Somehow despite the pain he did not scream as he fell, rather he reveled in the pain, the sheer power he was facing.   
Gouki landed and stared him down with a cold energy forming around his body. In mere moments the battle would be over and he would at last destroy the mortal foolish enough to face him. The puny, weak force that was slowly dying away under his unimaginable power. He grunted as he slid forward, flashes of light surrounded him as he unleashed his most devastating attack.  
Ryu found the power to stand despite his injuries and locked into the beast's cold eyes as he waited, the lights formed around him and he shifted his legs for better purchase on the ground.  
The demon completed his attack and frowned, he had missed. No one had ever escaped his deadly force before, a moment of disorientation was all that was needed as Ryu came down from the impossibly high jump and planted his knee into the back of Gouki's neck. The demon fell to his knees and smiled, it was a cold and cruel act as he looked up at the man who had dared to topple him.  
Ryu didn't think he had anything left, Gouki was rising and his power was spent. Slowly, methodically the beast rose to his feet and jumped into the air, at the peak of his rise he extended his leg and shot down at an amazing speed, almost too fast for the young warrior to follow. Desperation clenched him as he grit his teeth and staggered forward a single step, pushing with all his strength he rose into the air to counter.   
"Sho ryu ken!"  
The attack cut along the demon's back, slicing into his flesh and tearing his dogi to shreds. As they landed each warrior slowly turned and faced his opponent again. Gouki's clothes hung in tatters off of his body as he growled at the impertinent being still standing before his awesome power.  
Ryu froze as he realized that something was wrong, different about his opponent now. His eyes fell on the slowly waiving tail behind the thing's body. "He has a tail?! Just like..." he was cut off by an evil sounding chuckle from the thing standing before him.  
"Yes, a tail. Just like yours Kakkarotto."  
  
  
Once again, no matter how you beg I will not continue this.  
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!  
  
  
  
Curious Genma, the curious martial artist.  
  
  
Curious Genma sat under a tree and read his book. He turned the page and smiled. "Reading is fun." He said.  
  
Nearby the boy in the red shirt punched at a piece of wood with a smile on his face.  
  
Genma turned the page again and read out loud for a moment. "Only an idiot would attempt to teach this technique."  
  
"I wonder why it says that?" said Genma. Genma was curious.  
  
  
A short time later Genma sat above a hole he had dug into the ground and frowned.  
  
Inside, the boy in the red shirt was screaming many naughty words.   
  
Genma looked thoughtful. "I wonder where he learned all those words from?"  
  
  
Four years later...  
  
  
Genma sat across from his friend. Mr. Kuonji.   
  
"I think we should engage our two children." Said Mr. Kuonji.  
  
Genma shook his head. "No, Ranma is engaged already." He said.  
  
Mr. Kuonji frowned and thought for a moment. "I'll throw in my yattai as a dowry."  
  
This caused Genma to have a dilemma. He frowned as he thought. "I wonder if I can make Okonomiyaki?" Genma was curious.  
  
  
A short time later, after Genma and the boy in the red shirt had run away from the angry little girl. They sat together and stood around the slowly burning embers of the cart.  
  
"Pop, look what you did!" cried the boy in the red shirt.  
  
Genma frowned and felt terrible for what he did.  
  
"I could have sold that cart for money!" said Genma.  
  
  
Five years pass...  
  
  
Genma looked at the brochure in his hands and turned it over to see a small Japanese translation. Genma read the words out loud.  
  
"Jusenkyo. A very dangerous training ground of cursed springs. Avoid at all costs."  
  
Genma looked at the pretty picture on the front of the brochure. "I wonder why it's dangerous?" Genma was curious.  
  
  
Six months pass...  
  
  
Genma stared at Mr. Guide as they exited the springs. The girl in the red shirt glared at him angrily and he knew that he had been a very bad martial artist.   
  
Genma turned with a stern look on his face and apologized to the girl in the red shirt with a hand written sign. "Take it like a man son!"  
  
The girl in the red shirt accepted his apology and punched him in the face before storming off in anger.  
  
"No! Sirs, going that way very bad!" cried Mr. Guide.   
  
Genma blinked and stared at him as he held up another sign. "Huh? Why?"  
  
The guide looked at him. "That way is village of Amazons! Very dangerous."  
  
"Amazons?" thought Genma. Genma was curious.  
  
  
The end.  
  
Before you start. Yes I know Ranma didn't actually wear his Chinese clothes until after Jusenkyo, but it fit the story. [For those of you who didn't know that: go back and read Ranma 1/2 again. He's always wearing a dogi in his training trip days. In fact, he doesn't start wearing the Chinese clothes until after the dragon's whisker incident.]  
Personally I think this would go a long way towards explaining Genma's behavior.  
  
I know the story reads strange, but this is a 'Curious George' parody. I intentionally wrote the story the way it is, bad punctuation and grammar included.  
  
C&C to Carrotglace@juno.com  
  
  



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